two.points.collapsing

ooooh, sweet frustration. but this time i’m talking about something different. see, i thought i’d roll out of work at six, get to amoeba, and have to hang around a while killing time before the flaming lips’ set at 7. whatever, i can deal, it’s amoeba. i could probably browse for 5 hours if i had to.

but that changed when i checked their site again this afternoon, which now said the set was at 6pm. dammit. so i get to leave at 6 on the dot and try to rush through traffic way down sunset to ameoba, park, and get in as fast as i can. of course, i hadn’t really considered, for some reason, that i would get there, park, a few streets over, walk around to the front, and see a fat line going around the other side, while i hear the set already underway inside. or that i’d wait in line for half an hour while they only let in as many people as come out — and who would come out during the flaming lips? — until i find out the set’s over and they’re signing now but most of the people are leaving. so all i got to do for my trouble was walk in, walk past the signing table and see them, and then leave again, because i didn’t have money to buy a cd and i didn’t want to risk getting a ticket for staying too long since i was unsure of the parking situation on the street i’d left my car.

what a disappointment. the only thing i came away with was a stupid sheet of 5 little stickers promoting filter’s new record amalgamut (in stores july 2002). i mean holy jesus, what a consolation.

damn letdowns.

[now hearing this: hey mercedes, appearing live in only two weeks in this sunny southern city. woo ha.]

not much to share today. i did get free in-n-out for lunch though for being the sucker who drove down the street to get it. well worth it, i assure you. oh, and on another note, the flaming lips are doing an in-store at amoeba tomorrow night for their new album release, and i’m stoked about that for sure. sucks i don’t have any money to actually buy the cd tomorrow though. i’m hoping to just bring my copy of clouds taste metallic and get that signed, and promise to get the album next week when the paycheck comes. it’s only fair.

anyway, i did want to change the song of the week, although it’s almost a shame because last weeks was so perfect. i mean, a fantastic song, and so fitting for right now, for me.

but instead i will share one of the new tracks from the stereo that makes the new disc worth hearing, or maybe buying. i still like no traffic better, but this song sure does have a great riff running through it. and can you ever really have enough pop-rock songs about lost love? i don’t really think so. so here’s 1994 by the stereo — dig it.

brian last year: “no way. i don’t need to drink to have a good time. i’ll just drink this soda and be comfortable with who i am, and not need chemicals to alter my mind as a way to escape myself and have a good time.”

brian last night: “tequila body shots? that sounds fun, count me in.”

sometimes you have these flashes that you really are growing up and changing as a person, and it’s both frightening and satisfying. all the things that a while back you swore you’d never do — or maybe swore you’d always do no matter how old you got — turn out not to matter nearly as much to you as they did then. you come to understand that telling yourself you wouldn’t change was pretty foolish, when you think about it, because there’s so much bound to happen that it’s utterly ridiculous to assume you could stay the same at all.

the core of brian has been pretty consistent for years, which i’m pretty proud of having found early on; and i think is why i manage to be a pretty steadily happy person (forget the getting dumped part, that was out of my control). still, there’s a lot wrapped around that core that’s always switching around, but you know what that’s good, because if it didn’t i bet no one would like me — i’d get boring while everyone else grew up. maybe all the scary responsibility coming up on the horizon will be good fuel to make me a really interesting person, as long as i keep the core brian just plowing through it all. probably, all the things that bog me down now will be what i take pride in having been through later on. that’s what i’m going to hope for now because i am an optimistic kid.

and speaking of cores, i still eat them when i have an apple because i don’t want to get up and throw them away when i’ve finished the rest. the essence of brian, right there. take note.

[now hearing this: the stereo – rewind + record. my verdict, i think, is “not quite as good as no traffic, but i stand by him/them, and there are a couple really good tracks, and i’ll still buy a ticket to see them when they come around in august. nighty night.]

you know, if you set aside the fact that this was week one of being recently dumped, it turned out surprisingly well. thursday i missed work for the warped tour at the nearby LA coliseum (it was actually in the walkway and parking areas surrounding the sports arena, not at the coliseum at all as advertised, but whatever, you know?). that was a good day. i saw some pretty solid (albeit abbreviated) sets from midtown, hot water music, ozma, thursday, finch, rx bandits, alkaline trio, and fragments of a few others too. catching flogging molly play a couple songs was great, although possibly more entertaining was listening to the (irish? scottish? not sure.) singer yell at the crowds in between songs with his thick accent, screaming things like, “alright ya bastards!” but still managing to sound really friendly while doing it. another plus was that during ozma’s set on one of the two side-by-side main stages, which were separated by some semi-trailers and stuff, we were surprised by motocross bikers suddenly shooting into the sky and pulling stunts in the blank sky between the two backdrops. it was fucking awesome! apparently there was a ramp/track set up running parallel to the backs of the two stages, so not only were we watching a great band play, but all these insane bikers were flying through the sky just back and to the right of the musicians. it was nuts. a very satisfying combination and fun spectacle though.

last night the boss decided we should all leave the office at 4:30 to go have margaritas, which i was fine with, since he paid for the pitchers, the parking, and i got some mighty tasty complimentary chips and fresh salsa. this job is so much better than last year, and not even because our boss is into drinking with us. too bad that i could only have one so i could be fine to drive home around 6:15 though; those were some tasty (and strong) drinks. and with my recent snags in being cheerful, i would have liked a few more… ah well.

this is the part most relevant to you though probably: go see road to perdition. we went out to catch that last night, and it was terrific. i liked it a lot. i feel bad that the director has to try to follow up american beauty with something as good, since it’s only his second film, because it’s not as good as that. but it’s still the best movie i’ve probably seen this year. it could be my weakness for things involving tommyguns, but i’m pretty sure it was the great cinematography and the great storyline that makes me urge all of you to go see road to perdition. it’s just a really beautiful movie and if you go see anything in the next few weeks it really ought to be that (although i can understand if it’s reign of fire. dragons are just badass).

today, a beautiful beach day and tonight a big house party out of town. there’s a pool. there’s a jacuzzi. supposedly many ladies have been notified. we’ll see what i can do with all of that.

[now hearing this: braid – lucky to be alive because i had “breathe in” stuck in my head all last night. i kept singing “maaaariiiiiigoooooold!” out loud and i had to try to put that to rest.]

i live in south central los angeles, more or less. the neighborhood around the school here isn’t so bad, but it sure isn’t great. i’ve never had any problems myself, and i even depended on public transportation late at night for my first three years here. still, i have had friends get chased at night by weird guys, and heard plenty of mugging stories, and there is a lot of theft. so we’re sort of on the border of shady and really shady. go a few blocks south of campus (most local students live north of campus, our house next year is west of campus), and you’re not on the border anymore. you’re in a bad place to be.

basically, this is not a glamorous or beautiful place to live.

the supermarket closest to us, a non-chain-store market (which we try not to shop at, choosing the ralphs an extra block away) is very obviously shopped at by a different crowd. but that place is closer and cheaper so if you need to pick something up fast and don’t have to buy anything serious (the meat and other ‘fresh’ products are of questionable quality and that isn’t just a rumor) it’ll do the trick. tonight i needed a loaf of bread to make toast. we didn’t have any so i skated over to the market on my board to pick some up. i grabbed one and headed for the express/cash only line. normally it would have been two minutes until i was out the door again.

but today i ended up behind a woman and a little seven year old girl. they were buying a 12 pack of ramen cup-o-noodles and some vegetables. the total was $10.66. the woman was counting out quarters, dimes and nickels from a little bag to pay for her purchase, and i could tell by the way she kept looking up at the cash register readout as she dished out coins that she wasn’t paying with change just to get rid of the clutter in her purse. it took her a while to pile up enough on the counter, and for the cashier to count it out, and it made me very sad, standing behind her with my bread. i wondered what would happen if she didn’t have enough, and if it would be insulting or embarrassing to her if i offered to pay for the difference. i’m not sure if the heap of change added up or not, but the man gave the little girl four pennies and the receipt and they left.

when it was my turn, the bread rang up as $0.79, and i gave the man one dollar, although i had two ready in my hand. in his nervousness at the line that had built up while he was counting the lady’s coins, he handed me $1.21 back. i told him i’d only given him a dollar, and returned the bill, which he thanked me for. i know it was the right thing to do, but i didn’t feel good about that really. i was actually mostly sad that a mistake had been made in my favor instead of the lady in front of me. not to say that she wouldn’t have given it back too.

here’s the thing: i’m not really typing out this little experience to prove a point or to make some class-conflict statement to whoever reads this. one of the things i worry about when i think i’d like to try writing a book someday is that i’m not very good at injecting opinions or morals or substantial social critiques into things i write. it’s hard for me to wrap things around a story that goes somewhere with much purpose. i’m of the opinion that there are two separate aspects to writing a good book: good writing and good storytelling. although i’d like to think i’m alright at the first part, i’m pretty sure i’m fully lacking in the second. so maybe i should try writing something that’s only about how there isn’t really any story or purpose then — sort of like waiting for godot. only the problem is, samuel beckett already did that; and i don’t know anyone that would choose to read me over him.

i think i just wanted to share a feeling i had and try to set it up so you get the same feeling. that’s something worth practicing, i feel. maybe it’ll work out someday and i’ll do a great job of it.

but i also wanted to apologize for whining yesterday about how poor i’m going to be once i graduate. with all the things i have and will probably have, it was very immature of me. i know there are people far more spoiled and with far less to worry about all around me at my private university, but that’s no reason to beg for sympathy for having to make some long-term monthly payments on a college education. i may never have been overseas, and maybe my parents didn’t get me my own car — but still, i get to go to an all-day rock concert tomorrow. i can spend 7 dollars on a delivered pizza dinner. i own electronics that involve lasers. i have what could probably be referred to as a library of books and music. a girl was in love with me not too long ago. i’d say i’m very very lucky.

i just had to get that out of my system.

this time next year, i’ll be out of school and only a month or two away from the beginning of a torrent of school-loan bills that stretches on to infinity. it’s at this point that one is tempted by fate to do a little quick math; add up the past loans, throw in a rough estimate for interest rate, divide by months and by years…and start to cry.

alright, so i haven’t actually cried. i have lost some sleep though. being grown up was such a promising thing a few months ago before i thought about the borrowing college brian has done against the supposed financial success of grown-up brian. going to a very expensive private university is awfully stupid, now that i think about it. and selling out — choosing high-paying over highly-satisfying when it becomes first-big-job-picking time in a few scant months — is to my discredit starting to look more and more appealing. it wouldn’t be so nerve-wracking if i weren’t equally afraid of becoming what i’ve always said i wouldn’t as i am of becoming very very broke and having to work 60 hours a week and/or cut my weekly spending to the barest food/shelter/utility/transport budget just to keep from under the axe of the credit bureaus. better hope that first novel turns out to be a hit or that my underutilized talents suddenly jet-propel me up that corporate ladder (ideally both).

at least i got a royal tenenbaums dvd today for a very low price at best buy. boy, that’s a good movie.

[now hearing this – old piebald courtesy of roommate josh. the show’s in three weeks too. super sweet.]

wrapping up the holiday weekend here in my apartment, not exactly feeling at my cheeriest. certain long-standing entanglements have made it clear that at least from the other end a good shearing is needed. now i sort of feel like a vine whose tree has been cut down — limp, frail, and to a degree empty. hoping i will find a way to stay healthy and green on my own but sure some rough times are ahead.

and hoping that being just good friends with the tree that shook me off isn’t impossibly difficult and frustrating. wait — we were trying to be subtle here. but really, the hard feelings are not nearly as prevalent as the worries: what comes next?

take a cue from the next song of the week, a classic tune from the descendents called cheer. and don’t point the lovesick finger at me. i was thinking of picking this one a couple of weeks ago when i tossed on this cd for the first time in a long time; i’m not just whining.

just had to set the record straight.

[now hearing this: super furry animals – “sidewalk serfer girl” from rings around the world. i originally bought the dvd but brought it back to amoeba today to exchange for the cd. the music is probably the best brit-pop i’ve heard; the dvd is just distracting and boring. save those extra five bucks and buy yourself a sundae.]

this holiday weekend is turning out mighty nicely, even in the face of having to go to work on a friday it seems most of the rest of the working world has off. but it’s not nearly so bad when you start at 10 and end at 4 with a free lunch in the middle. so that’s doing it for me today.

plus i’m still reliving the savory beer-boiled brats we cooked on my grill yesterday. i had a vision and a memory of childhood barbeques, and juicy, delicious bratwurst that only a group of midwestern fathers/uncles/grandpas can be trusted with delivering. at least i thought so, until yesterday, when i captured the magic on my own on a mini-Weber on our apartment patio yesterday for a bunch of delighted college friends. possibly the greatest victory of the summer so far — they were just so delicious i can’t get over it.

not to mention that today is payday, and merry-melodies-esque waves of hypnotic mind-control are lifting me off my feet and carrying me toward my musical mecca (amoeba) as i struggle to finish typing this. bon voyagee! don’t forget to write!

[now hearing this: the lawrence arms – apathy and exhaustion. don’t worry, it rocks.]

there are lots of things to like about the fourth of july. you don’t have to work; how can you not like that? you might even get to go home early the day before around 3:30, and not go in until 10 the friday after, instead of the usual nine; isn’t that fantastic? and it’s pretty probable that you will get to barbeque delicious foods with wonderful friends on the afternoon of the fourth, possibly during or just before a lovely trip to one of southern california’s beautiful beaches; what’s not to like?

(a quick disclaimer: it’s pretty likely that in comparison to many beaches of the world, the beaches here aren’t really beautiful at all. however, i’ve only been to maybe two other beaches in my life which i remember only vaguely, so these beaches are beautiful mostly in comparison to south central los angeles, where my apartment is located.)

well let me tell you exactly what’s not to like about the fourth of july. fireworks are great, and so is a live symphony. those two things, in combination especially, should have been listed above. so i was excited to go to the hollywood bowl on july 2nd to see the LA philharmonic, guest-conducted by john williams, play music and finish off with fireworks. we arrived late and only heard two short pieces before intermission, during which it got dark enough to be appropriate for patriotic pyrotechnics. but to my utter disappointment, after intermission we got not john williams, returning to conduct more symphonic pieces, but james taylor, singing his delightful-if-you’re-old-and-lame-and-drinking sixties acoustic crap-folk-rock songs. i thought, alright, he’ll sing a few, then it’ll be back to the symphony. but NO! he sang EIGHT songs, and they were unbearably hokey and cheesy and i wanted to leave. finally — oh, do i stress the anguish when using the word finally — he left the stage and left john to conduct a nice patriotic piece we all recognize but i don’t know the name of, accompanied by a decent but not spectacular fireworks display which was contrary to the tickets’ printed title of “Fireworks Spectacular”. that part was pretty good. i was ready to go.

but he came back! and conducted the orchestra in playing the star wars theme. huh?? on fourth of july? sure, i’m a huge star wars fan and i love that theme, and it was cool to be there seeing that guy conduct for that piece. whatever. no more fireworks though. alright, i was ready to go then. but then that cornball james taylor came back, and lead the immense stadium in a singing of god bless america, which, alright, makes sense on the fourth of july, but i couldn’t get over because i was still so angry at him robbing me of eight songs of orchestra music earlier in favor of his boring old feel-good tunes. i was really ready to go home then.

wait, what? it still wasn’t over? john williams came back and lead the symphony in playing the indiana jones theme as the final encore? on the fourth of july, several songs after the fireworks — normally signalling the finale, the end — had finished and their smoke long cleared? that doesn’t make any sense! that’s totally moronic!

well that’s what i thought. so the fourth of july has its downsides as well you see. i mean, i could have bought several cheeseburgers with the 15 dollars i spent on that wacked-out performance. i guess you live and learn.

(final note: i told people at work about it today and they all yelled at me for not liking and not having known beforehand, really, who james taylor was. i’m such an outcast.)

[now hearing this: recover – “elimination” for the album rodeo and picasso. i love recover. and i think they’re coming out with an ep this summer, so i should probably look into that soon…]

happy birthday collapsing!

yes, it’s been a year, and let’s reflect… not get all nostalgic and blubbery or anything, just take a minute. at this time last year i was working at a job that was making time drag at an unbearably syrupy pace and needed something to do, and was toying with the idea of having some sort of diary for myself without the seeming pointlessness of keeping it utterly private (no offense to old-fashioned diarists). hence, collapsing was born and look at us now. i think i’ve developed my web skills somewhat, i know that writing almost daily has sharpened my prose skills, and i’ve even had nice times on a few occasions hanging out with people i’ve met thanks to this weblog. all in all, nothing but good things. so thank you for being here for whatever part of the last year you might have shared with me, and may you all have as wonderful a sunny, cool-breezy, bikini-gazing, relaxing and pleasant beach day as i had today with my roommate josh. and failing that, something similarly enjoyable as geography dictates for those not near any of the world’s oceans. good day.

[now hearing this: stomach growling.]