i feel so abused and betrayed. sour patch kids used to be my favorite candy, bar none. but they changed the packaging, and apparently the recipe too, because these kids, they’re hardly sour at all anymore. what happened kids? did someone’s mother decide her children’s taste buds shouldn’t be eroded by your tartly delicious sour-powder, and put an end to my favorite candy-aisle treat, seemingly forever?

well to that person i say damn you. damn you to hell. i hate you perhaps more than i hate the person who similarly betrayed me by discontinuing the old version of laffy taffy that came in squares of about 10 different varieties, and had terrible, awful, wonderful jokes inside every wrapper. i hate you even more than i hate good and plenties, the worst candy of all, and frankly i hope you fall down a well. preferably with alligators at the bottom that are hungry and sociopathic, so they don’t just eat you, they rip you up a lot first. then eat you, but slowly so that you are more scared.

anyone want the rest of these sour patch kids?

[now hearing this: hey mercedes – loses control]