so there’s been an odd, sort of backwards dilemma i’ve been thinking about lately, and especially this week. it’s bred in part by this kick my roommate and i have been on recently, with all the going out and fun excursions, of a very self-aware ‘how great are our lives right now?’ mentality. which i can’t argue with at all — we’re 24 year old guys, living successful and comfortable and entertaining lives in beautiful and exciting los angeles. our apartment is a constrant stream of activity, we’re constantly on the go, we’ve got lots of great friends all around us, and our share of luck with women… basically everything a person could want, and we know it.

but that’s where the dilemma kicks in, surprisingly, in that i’m internally battling this feeling of constant satisfaction. how dumb is that? everything’s finally going my way and now i feel the need to complain about it? but there’s a valid idea in there somewhere, i swear. i miss the feeling like i’m fighting for something. sure, there’s still some of that in my job, in that i’ve just taken on some new roles and i want to show my stuff. but i did already get the job, so that fight’s essentially won, i’m just trying to gain favor now. and romantically, it’s maybe worse. i remember hoping and wishing for months in high school or college for the loves of my life to materialize; from crumbling at the thought of any chance i didn’t think i even had, to that gradual and painfully touchy ‘did i say the right thing’ process of forging a connection, to the eventual triumphant climax. will i ever have a first kiss like that again? or a personal or professional victory on that level? i don’t think it’s possible without the thing that i’m lacking right now, which is an enduring sense of longing, for anything. that’s what i miss right now. i want to want something badly.

nevermind if this may or may not have been induced by recent viewings of closer and the o.c.: season one. this could certainly not just be a juvenile need to have some heartbreak to whine about. not from a sophisticated gentleman like myself.