going in to yesterday, in the months beforehand, my feelings toward the election were almost similar to a college sports enthusiasm. a kind of excitement over an ‘us verus them’ matchup where both sides thought they were better and sure to win the big rivalry game, and were going to enjoy the drama of the competition. i checked news sites daily with interest i’d never had before in any of the political races of my lifetime (let alone actual college sports), and was thrilling at being so informed and invested in the current events.

then last night a bunch of my friends convened in my living room on the big night to watch the map turn progressively redder, and it slowly dawned on us that our unanimous choice for the new president was not the one america’s majority picked to rule.

if the sporting feelings had carried over, i might react to today’s results with anger, frustration, and upset. perhaps tried to blame someone involved — the candidate/quarterback, the campaign manager/coach, the voters/defense, etc. — for blowing their chance at the big game. but late last night, once it started sinking in for real, the parallels vanished, and the events became a lot less fun.

so today i’m not angry; voters turned out in record numbers and voiced their choice. i’m not frustrated; kerry and company really put an impressive fight up against a juggernaut campaign. and i’m not upset; as much as it may hurt to lose, the popular vote was nothing if not decisive, and i can’t begrudge the people their will.

what i am is completely shocked. an incumbent president who has pushed this country in so many ill-advised, shortsighted directions that seem to run counter to the interests of the greater population — running the gamut from casualties of an unnecessary war to terribly managed finances and economy to outrageous steps backward in environmental and social policy — has found massive support with over half the voting population. literally millions of americans thought well enough of this man to give him another four years to plunge us farther into debt, disaster and dubious standing with those in the world who might help us. that they would rather have a ‘nice, normal’ guy running our country no matter his record of incompetence and stubborn inflexibility has me amazed at what sort of country i must be living in.

and frankly, i’m not only shocked but a little afraid. with this far-right team at the helm for another four years, the ramifications could be more serious than just having to deal with a bad president. the problems with terrorism, the energy crisis, the environment, civil liberties and scientific research all have long-term implications that could leave serious marks if not addressed now. i honestly fear a country in which medical stem-cell research is banned and abortion rights diminished because of the religious fervor of not just our leaders, but the massive electorate that supports them, and the supreme court justices they will appoint. i hate to think that what i thought was a progressive nation outright refuses to allow two loving people basic relationship rights because of their sexuality, and would even go so far as to constitutionally forbid them that freedom. it scares me that instead of forging into the future with a plan to decrease damaging energy dependences and pollution, our topmost authorities would rather provide loopholes for their backers to increase profits while the less fortunate make less money and suffer more of the consequences, while having less access to the medical care to fight them.

perhaps i am sheltered in that i surround myself with open-minded, forward-thinking people, and i was too optimistic in hoping that those values were were on the rise. after an election like this one, it seems possible that this isn’t the progressive nation i had always hoped it was, and that those who feel like i do are, and may remain, in the minority after all.

can you blame me for being somewhat frightened?