so, being a registered california voter, i received a handy dandy guide to the upcoming recall elections (oct. 7th! mark your calendar!) in the mail this week. in it, the petitions and rebuttals that brought about this special election, then a list of the candidates, then statements from the candidates, then some explanation of some propositions being tacked onto the ballot.

the sad thing isn’t that i read through the booklet — i am making at least some attempt to be an informed voter for the first time in my life out of simple civic duty. the sad thing is that all the statements sounded surprisingly like elementary school essays handed in for the prompt, “why would you want to be governor some day?” They all either went through some lame laundry list of qualifications or took quick stances in the allotted space to appeal to those who hear a cause and latch onto it. and honestly it was hard to tell the serious candidates from the people who were just running for the hell of it. although i did find an early favorite: trek thunder kelly.

Dear Voters, Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring Armageddon. I will legalize drugs, gambling, and prostitution so they may be taxed and regulated, the funds derived would subsidize the deficit, education, and the environment. I believe in peaceful resolutions backed by a strong military; I don’t care who you marry or have sex with.

and if the election isn’t enough of a joke to you already:

• you can read any of the other personal statements here, assuming they accepted the voluntary spending limit (schwarzenegger didn’t, sadly).
• the trek thunder kelly website
• there are ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE registered participants. gallagher, the ‘comedian’, is one of them.
• one is a porn star. one is larry flynt. (i actually thought for a second about voting for him, to be honest.)
• on this certified list, all their professed occupations are included. aside from your typical businesspeople/attorneys, we have a nice selection of backgrounds including some college students, a retired meatpacker, a railroad switchman, a custom denture manufacturer, a golf professional, a used car dealer, and — i shit you not — a “middleweight sumo wrestler”. i would never consider a middleweight for governor though. i mean come on.
• i think i’ll stick by the “marijuana legalization attorney”.

i’m so proud of my state. i foresee the declaration of marshall law in a manner of weeks.

[now hearing this: the new saves the day single has been in my head a lot lately. i need to get the mp3 on my work computer so i can fight fire with fire.]