i feel lately as if i’m in a race against myself at all times. there’s Ideal Brian, who reads frequently, watches great films, and has plenty of time to listen to music, play video games, catch the daily show or the simpsons, and gets all his work done well and on time, while being a good friend and boyfriend to all those whom he loves.

then there’s me, who feels like his every waking moment is occupied and still isn’t enough to finish half of what he wishes he could do.

i remember times last semester when i was bored. moments i would sit in my chair and say, ‘you know, i don’t feel like doing anything right now.’

now is the complete opposite. at any moment, it’s a toss-up between what i have to do, what i can afford not to do yet, what i should do, what i really want to do, and what i’d do if i had more time. oh, and i try to get around 6 hours of sleep a day too, although sometimes even that doesn’t happen. where some people would think, ‘hey, good for you for keeping so occupied,’ i’m more often thinking, ‘what happened to my life and when will it stop?’

so right now i’m fearing that graduation — which i’m idealizing as this wall i just need to get over into that nice serene pasture where sure i’ll have stuff to worry about but at least i’ll have time to myself sometimes — won’t afford any kind of change in the day to day and that this could be the new me. EverBusy Brian ™. fully rechargeable and available in several assorted colors. oh god.

on the plus side though, i did figure out today that hot hot heat’s make up the breakdown lasts exactly the amount of time it takes me to get to work in the morning. in a bit i’ll see if it’s the same going home. either way i will be rocking.

[now hearing this: heels on the cement floor. clackity clack.]