one of the best responses to get from something terribly witty you said is, at least to me, a slightly furrowed brow along with the question “are you quoting something or did you make that up just now?”. or at least it is if what you said in fact wasn’t a quote from something, and despite being made up on the fly was found witty by your conversational partner. i guess the tone of the question could imply that he or she was just hoping you were quoting someone so they wouldn’t have to think you’d come up with something so stupid on your own; but when it’s the other way around, and you’re given the rewarding look of someone who’s impressed with your verbal grace — as meager as it may be — that’s just a very purely good feeling.

it’s getting harder and harder as i get older to have moments like that. when i just feel smart in an unqualified way, like i did when i was younger. back then it was a lot easier to be at the top of my class, to win a spelling bee, to get the highest test grade, or other signs we are told at that age mean we are good and bright young children. now i’ve learned there are probably plenty of people who are more able and/or ambitious and will do better than me consistently in these quantifiable measures, as well as people who, like myself, have plenty of ability but have realized there are much better ways to spend energies then trying to get a perfect exam score.

thus the old measure of self-worth is more or less devalued. and now it’s little things like a single person raising an eyebrow at my remarks that make me smile inwardly and tell myself i’m still as sharp as i used to be, even if my stock of trophies and honors certificates has drastically decreased.

[now hearing this: waterfall fountain outside the window in my ears, but still the hey mercedes ep in my head.]