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if you read the post from thursday, you know why i figured it’d be smartest to stay home tonight going to meet some people out at st. nick’s. at least this way i got to see the US win the gold medal in women’s beach volleyball… hot. misty may, i don’t care if you have a porn star name; i still want to win a medal with you so you’ll jump all over me like you did your partner in those *ahem*… regulation volleyball outfits.

but being home also gives me the perfect opportunity and occasion to do what needs to be done — finish what i started. here’s the last one, for now at least…

Girls: Endless Source of Pain and Amusement

Part Three – The Beach

i have never been hit on at the beach, nor have i ever hit on anyone at the beach. protocol is to sit down at a spot where the gawking is okay to excellent, and mostly just sit there sipping orange cream sodas, bullshitting with whatever friends i go with, and maybe reading. usually i also play some frisbee, which i am getting better at.

this time was no different. sit down, check out the surrounding scenery, make note of who’s cute and who isn’t, and lay back and relax. the beach is probably the only place where i can be content doing absolutely nothing for any stretch of more than 5 minutes. i was digging it. then justin, the only person i was there with on this particular day, decided to go down to swim a bit, leaving me alone in my beach chair to guard our cooler and read my book. just as i get to the point where i’m actually reading instead of re-reading the same sentence between being distracted by neighboring bikinis, i hear someone mumble something just behind me over my right shoulder.

i turn and look up, and it’s a girl of maybe 16 to 18 standing almost right over me. i won’t be too blunt in describing this girl, except to say that my dating history contains very few girls who are either hispanic or homely, and this girl happened to be very positively both. but, being polite and in an awkward, confused situation, i simply responded to her mumbling with an inquisitive and friendly, “excuse me?”. her response?

“are you gay?”

what!? did i hear that right? did she just… no, couldn’t be. so i say again — “what was that?”.

“are you gay?”

still, i honestly can’t belive anyone would start a conversation this way, so i ask a final time, feeling a little ridiculous, “i’m sorry, what did you say?” but oh yes, she asks a third time, the most insistent so far, “are you gay?”

so i finally just answer, “umm, no…” and she interrupts by saying, “then this is for you,” and hands me this:

before saying, “call us” and running off to join her equally homely friend who is already walking away 10 paces ahead, leaving the beach. i am so stunned i only give a half-hearted “thanks” as she turns completely around to depart without any attempt at further conversation.

essentially, the story ends there as i sit bewildered and unsure what to do with this scrap of paper not much bigger than a double-large postage stamp i am left holding. but, a few post-trauma observations need to be made.

firstly: did i make any eye contact with these girls at any point to bring this on? no, i didn’t even know they were around. if they were anywhere near my spot, the fact i hadn’t even seen them must be some testament to their, um, plainness (to remain tactful). secondly: who in the universe, even between the awkward ages of 16 to 18, starts a conversation that way? am i crazy or is that one of the strangest openers you have ever heard? especially with absolutely no attempt at a follow-up, you know, along the lines of, ‘what’s your name?’, ‘how’s it going?’, or, ‘what’s up?’ maybe i am expecting too much from the beach-goers of santa monica. lastly: i love the fact that they wrote down ethnicities so i would know which complete stranger was which when i inevitably called them back to arrange some sort of exciting second rendezvous, where we could start our evening with some other biting personal inquiry like, ‘are you circumsized?’ and possibly graduate to the second level by maybe following up with a cordial, ‘hello’.

as you can imagine, i did not call to see if these were real phone numbers or not — i could hardly handle two severe disappointments like that (see part one, last week). fortunately, carrying the scrap of paper in my wallet to aid in the story’s retelling allowed my charitable roommate to perform that test for me during a lunch the next day. lucky me, he assured me both via AND fanny’s voicemails proved their validity.

and you know what? they didn’t call back.

recipe for a good weekend: road trip to SF, best friends, chicken fingers so spicy they make ted cry, sampling many offerings at the california small brewers festival in mountain view, slamming quaffers of 151 and not even caring (gotta get me some of those nifty things; collapsing endorses them heartily), a night out in the city by the bay, getting so drunk people wrestle on the kitchen floor, not having any hangover whatsoever thanks to 3am pizza, a view of the bridge on a sunny day in frisco, and funny stories not to be made public. nice.

too bad that was all last weekend and this one was just okay in comparison — i just happened to not upload these pictures until just now. this one was still good though, and this coming friday we’re having a big party here, so email or comment and i’ll send you the invite if you want to come. it will be a grand affair.

plus, stay tuned tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to the “Girls…” series, where i am embarrassed yet again in a whole new way!

our internet has been out for a few days, so sadly i haven’t been able to continue the series i started. too long of a piece to write while i should be working, no way to write at home. so, there’s my excuse. let’s get back to it. this one’s a bit long, but so worth it.

Girls: Source of Endless Pain and Amusement

Part Two – The Scene

so the deal is, i’ve had a crush on an intern that worked in my office all summer. very cute, extrememly smart and cool. and no, she wasn’t too young for me or one of my actual coworkers, so i wasn’t breaking any taboos or anything. it was a safe and healthy admiration.

after getting to spend some time talking to her and her friends at a coworker’s housewarming party one week, and a von bondies/x-games party the next, she had mentioned how i should come to a karaoke night she went to with her friends. i figured it was just polite flirtation until she emailed me her phone number the day of, saying i should call her and come out. i became very excited about the evening and the opportunity to spend more time getting to know this potentially great girl in a social setting. of course, i called her up.

since the place we were going offered free admission if you come with a girl, the plan was to meet up at her friend’s place and go all together to avoid a ten dollar cover. so, i drive up to this friend’s place up in silverlake figuring there’s a group of 3 or 4 people going as a big party. fun times. he lives in a rear-facing unit with a fraction in the address, so when i park my car i call the girl and tell her i’m out front and sit on a ledge with a tall hedge behind me waiting for them to come out. i hear people talking, coming around from the back, and recognize something odd i can’t really place. first the friend comes around and spots me and waves, followed right after by the girl i like laughing along with someone else, another girl who comes around the hedge last, another girl that i stand up to get a full look at and realize that SHE IS MY EX GIRLFRIEND.

i freeze and my jaw drops. she stops dead in her tracks, looks down and says loudly, ‘oooooh my god.’ i start laughing to battle the awkwardness, and say, ‘hey, how’s it going’. the other two look at us reacting to each other and ask what’s up. the ex says, ‘brian and i used to date.’ the other two don’t even believe it, but when told it’s as true as it is unbelievable, start laughing hysterically as well. i wonder between laughs if anything worse could have possibly happened. oh, you just wait.

how about her saying on the way to the car, ‘yeah, so brian broke up with me because he didn’t think we had a future together. isn’t that right?’ pointedly in my direction. i resisted the urge to punch her in the face and ignored her. she was obviously whispering about me/us/something in the backseat with the guy friend while i tried to make conversation with the crush riding shotgun on the way to the bar. turns out the ex had been having the worst day of her life (i found out later secondhand) and was just beginning to cheer up when she saw me, and actually ended up calling a ride home from the bar after only about 15 minutes, which i can’t say didn’t relieve me.

honestly, what are the fucking chances? how small can my social circle be that the girl i barely know from work has a friend from school who used to work with my ex-girlfriend who i didn’t even know at all before we started seeing eachother?! it seems impossible, but i laughed it off and had a great time that night anyway. the scene is just weird sometimes, i guess, so i mostly just saw the humor and tried to play it cool since that was easily the weirdest thing that had ever happened to me.

until exactly one week later. tuesday night i decide to go with my roommate and his friend to the kibitz room at canter’s on tuesday night, which they’d been going to frequently for a couple months. lots of young hipsters apparently. i wanted to finally give it a try. we drink a few at the friend’s place, walk down beverly, pop up to canter’s, get our bracelets and walk in the door. quick scan of the room shows lots of young-looking girls, a beer stand right near the entrance, and oh yes, MY FUCKING EX GIRLFRIEND! standing right in front of the door no less. and not just there, a psychotic second coincidence, but there with the same two people, the crush and her friend. perfect!

you know, we all did laugh about it, and nevermind the fact that she came with a zinger again this time instead of being cool about it — ‘you’re like the curse of my life!’, i believe it was. and the cute girl i like even swung by later and said she was so sorry although she and her friend did laugh hysterically. but i just don’t know how funny i found it that second time. after two it’s a little less funny and a little more cosmically creepy and disheartening in the pursuit of the crush. note to self: this tuesday, stay home.

garden state – 4 stars

before sunset – 4 stars

these two movies are both exactly what i wanted them to be. i love romantic movies, but hate cheesy tripe films that tend to be the most frequent attempts at screen romance. these two, which i won’t go into too much critique on, were both wonderful and highly recommended.

before sunset i saw a while back when it came out and loved it. smart, good tension, great ending. came out feeling excited about possibility and love.

garden state was noticably less adult, but the music and images really did a number on me. i laughed quite a bit too. an extremely charming first film — i kind of wish i was zach braff right now. he wrote a really sweet, endearing movie, acted in it, and got to pick natalie portman to make out with him. he must be riding high.

and after seeing it last night, i would so make out with the first girl that asked me right now. i am not even kidding.

it’s been a crazy week, let me tell you. work has been a whirlwind, and there’s been an oddly high level of female activity in my life this week. in fact, i have a few excellent stories to share, and will, starting below. but first, a new pay day song to mark the series from neutral milk hotel — perhaps appropriately, song against sex. an excellent track, and one that happens to kick off the merge collection i’ve been listening to almost exclusively all week. so here we go…

Girls: Source of Endless Pain and Amusement

Part One — The Napkin

after an interesting afternoon that will comprise a later part of the series, i had gone out to a local pub with some friends (st. nick’s for the locals). cool place. i was at the bar taking a shot with some friends, and returning to our booth, a guy tapped me on the shoulder and said his friend — a pretty girl a few booths away — was trying to get my attention and wanted to talk to me. so i went and sat down with them instead and had a good time talking to them for over an hour. she was really cute, too.

so at the end of the night when my friends were leaving, i got her to write her number on a napkin for me, which i pocketed quickly, feeling very satisfied with myself, and hopped in the back of my friend’s car shortly after to head home. on the short drive, my roommate asked to see it, which i should have been suspect of, because as soon as he grabbed it he stuck his hand out the window and let it flutter in the breeze between two fingers as everyone in the car laughed. i laughed less, but remained unphased — i knew he wasn’t a jerk. he handed it to the driver, josh, who did the same thing, getting his bit of fun in as well. then spencer, who was with me in the back seat, reached across me out to my roommate’s hand, who again had it out the window on my side, and said, ‘hey let me see that.’ he stuck out his hand, snagged the napkin, held it for a second, then let it go at 40 miles an hour. i watched a white flash zip past my window, then turned in a state of shock to look at spencer, who sat back in his seat looking entirely indifferent to what he had just done. he shrugged at me and looked out his window.

baffled, i didn’t even realize how hard gino and josh were laughing, or that josh had pulled the car into the center lane and stopped, wondering if i wanted to get out and look for it. they just kept saying, ‘holy shit. holy shit, dude!’ and so on, while i thought confused, ‘well, i guess i won’t be calling that girl…’

after a few more moments of laughter, and just as i was about to get out of the car, gino turned back and looked me in the face — and produced the napkin he’d had in his fist all along, as spencer threw his head back laughing at me. my jaw dropped. he had palmed a tissue from his pocket and fooled me completely, letting a decoy go and causing my drunken heart to miss a few beats in the process. everyone laughed at me some more, and i exhaled finally, totally relieved. it was a good joke, but made me even more excited to have the number safely back in my pocket, thinking about getting to call the pretty girl in a few days.

so after the trauma i gratefully eyed the wrinkled napkin on my desk for a few days and finally decided to give her a ring. taking at least 20 minutes with the phone in my hand, i tried to figure out what to say to this person i hardly knew. ‘hello, it’s that guy you met… umm, what’s happening?’ didn’t seem to be the surest way to charm someone. i always find myself frozen in these situations, watching the clock tick by, so at last i mustered up the will to just dial and hold the phone to my ear and see what happened.

luckily for me then that after all this drama and tension, the number was no longer in service. i didn’t have to think of what to say to the polite verizon recording; just follow his instructions to check the number, and try again.

special report: 2 things that are way overrated.

first, open water.

i was supposed to go see garden state but my film-savvy friends convinced me to see this instead because i was already at lunch with them and they were going. well, there’s a lesson here boys and girls; your friends are dumb. this movie was such a let down on a concept that could have been pretty tense and scary, but ended up being bland and anticlimactic. there were some scary moments, don’t get me wrong, i was freaked out. but let’s not forget about the other 72 minutes of the movie. because when an 80-minute movie starts feeling long, you’ve got a big problem. don’t bother, seriously. boring. not good. disappointing. and what’s with all that water?

also, the confederacy of dunces.

the cover says hilarious and pulitzer-winning, and you know what? i guess one of those i can’t really argue. as far as hilarious, it was moreso just bizarre and uncomfortable. i did laugh several times, but i still wouldn’t say this was a really funny book, just absurd. i wouldn’t warn you off this the way i would say stay the hell away from open water, because this wasn’t bad. i was impressed with the way it tied up in the end at least. but again, some people think this is one of the funniest books ever written. those people must not be very fun to go to parties with, and were probably drama geeks in high school. i know better.

so if you want a scary ocean movie see jaws, and if you want a really literate and hilarious book i’m sure there are hundreds of better ones, although from my library infinite jest and light house come to mind immediately. oh, and while we’re talking overrated i also don’t like baja fresh tacos very much either.

[now hearing this: that merge sampler again. HOT.]

i don’t know about this weekend’s prospects when yesterday was so much fun… because thursday was the office summer party. hence, i was riding a nice buzz from about 12:30pm to 12:30 am and smiling the whole time. first for five hours at the party where i made nice with several coworkers and tried to make friends with the cute girls in other departments i don’t normally get to talk to. whether or not this is a good idea, you can’t say until some sort of scandal breaks out. then there was the post-party around five at a second, replacement mexican-themed bar/restaurant, where 40 to 50 of the most determined decided to continue the party for a few more hours, and someone who shall remain unidentified declared her crush on me involving once imagining the two of us with children, even. that was a lot of fun actually.

of course, coworkers are fun and all but so are things where you get to be ‘on the list’, so i headed off for an 8 o’clock show at the house of blues thrown by blender for the x-games, featuring the von bondies who are not a very good band. fortunately, an extremely cute intern whom i have a big crush on was also there, and i spent the night trying to be clever around her to set myself up for possible future moves because she is really cool and i’d like to hang out with her more. if those work out i’ll be sure to gush about them, don’t worry.

right, so i had a great time yesterday and today i’m just a little subdued and spent, so we’ll have to see what wild adventures i can dig up to snap me out of it, or maybe just rent a movie and have a wild adventure on the couch. although that sounds a little grosser than it is meant to.

[now hearing this: the merge records 15th anniversary comp, which is the shit by the way. 3 discs that are each 80% awesome for only 13 bucks, man. that’s hotness all over.]

rilo kiley – more adventurous – 4 stars

[preview the first three tracks by streaming them here.]

i feel special because i got the whole album at their record release show and get to write a review two weeks before you can even go out and buy it. as a fan, that’s sort of what you get into a music scene for. that special excited feeling of being ahead on great music. that, and a bit of gloating.

the show itself was great. the open-air theatre made it feel summery and relaxed. the little carnival touches made it seem light-hearted and fun. it was like a special occasion, a party we were all lucky to be invited to. and then they played, which was beautiful and powerful and moving — everyone stood up as soon as they took the stage and didn’t sit down until it was time to go home. i had such a great time seeing the live music, that of course the day after the show the cd reminded me of that experience, and so by association i loved it without having to ask. this week i’ve listened to it dozens more times through and had a bit more time to let it sink in and be realistic. essentially, the verdict is: still great.

the new songs are, like most of the rest of their work, primarily about sadness and loss, but with nostalgia and hope for the good times as well. jenny’s voice is getting more practiced and i think she’s learning how to play to her strengths more and more. the band as a whole seems more polished than ever, which some may be excited about — some more practice on guitar and the well-arranged string additions make for a lot higher production level. and there are a few tracks that are terrific hit single material. see specifically more adventurous, the title track, for a fantastic combination of longing and twang with a sweet and dreamy voice. love that harmonica. this is good stuff.

my only complaint on the cd is that it lacks a little bit of the variety of the last album, that let guitar player/second singer blake have a little more face time, and seemed a little more willing to try new things in song style and structure. the new album lacks that and for me, that’s a shame, but for them maybe it’s a chance to tighten up and focus on a solid album, which they definitely delivered. august 17th, you know what to do.

[now hearing this: that new pay day song. really, don’t miss it.]

perfect summer weekend basically. a lot of walking from one place to another, drinking, barbeques, ladies, delicious food, friends, music… couldn’t have done much better besides maybe some road tripping or something. i do have to say though: the gig on melrose is a shitty club to have to see your friend’s band play in. we went to catch justin’s band augustus there on friday, which was fine because they played really well. but the crowd was all these washed up older people and it was a serious downer when we were in ‘night on the town’ mode. the only girl in our age bracket was the waitress who looked as uncomfortable as we did. so let’s focus on the positive! great restaurants, hilarious friends, many drinks, and beautiful summer weather. not to mention my first pay day having been promoted and that great feeling of ‘hey, i’m making (slightly) more money now, maybe i can finally spring for cable! or buy a pair of pants to replace all the ones i’ve been wearing for five years now! or eat lunch every day instead of alternating ones!’

but still not afford to impress any women. let’s not get carried away.

on the first….day…back….

so i know i haven’t posted in forever so i didn’t want to take forever writing what i’ve been doing for a whole 15 days or whatever it’s been (8, actually). instead, i’m going to say it’s been an amazing two weeks for me and music, with back-to-back braid concerts two weekends ago (click on the photos above to admire my rock photography and find yourself a new desktop image or scoff at my incompetence with the aperture) at the top of the list. that was unbelievable. they sound like they never broke up and having never seen them before, i was floored by one of my favorite bands, EVER.

so that was fun. then this past weekend, the rilo kiley record release show, which was almost equally amazing. they played at the ford amphitheatre, which sounded fantastic and was open air and neat. plus ben gibbard opened, they played such great heights with jenny and jimmy, and before the show there were free snow cones and people making balloon animals like it was a 9-year-old’s birthday party. so festive! i didn’t get any rock photos at that one but my new camera phone did pick up this happy guy.

then the night after i went to club bang with some friends who’d been telling me for a year i should go and some friends i had just made the night before at the rilo kiley show, danced for five hours to amazing 80’s/indie/hipster dance music and could barely walk the next day. it was spectacular.

now i’m tired and have gone on too long but will wait less than 15 days or something (8, actually) before writing again, promise.

PS: being promoted also has been great so far.