i’m sorry johnny walker, i am, but i hated you this morning. hated you passionately. sure, i loved you last night when the open bar gave me all the access to you i want, giving me the courage to dance in front of coworkers and not feel stupid wearing a jacket and tie (with shirt still defiantly untucked and unbuttoned at the top, thank you very much) and smile stupidly right at certain girls i would normally divert my stare from quickly when caught.

but today, when i woke up at 11 still wearing my clothes, jacket and tie at least shed on the floor nearby, still wearing my contacts, and awfully dehydrated, you were definitely not my friend. once i changed and went back to sleep, then woke up again at 3pm (yes, 3pm for god’s sake) with a horrible stomachache, only to watch you pour violently and repeatedly out of my body a few minutes later at the alter of the porcelain god, you were not the delicious and merry buddy on the rocks from the night prior. you were a stinging, hateful alcholic demon that had to be exorcised, and i had no love for you at all. it didn’t help that i was unable to even keep down toast, toast for the love of god, until almost FIVE, you son of a bitch. why did i deserve that?

i know, i don’t know when enough is enough. i was even disappointed at the last round when i couldn’t get more of you and had to settle for water (lame). so maybe the blame isn’t all mine; maybe i’ll even be able to forgive you someday (next weekend?). but today you kept me from being able to see the life aquatic, and made me lose most of my afternoon. consequently, i am no longer speaking to you (for now. see you soon! great party though!).