had an off night yesterday following a long-awaited reunion. expectations and circumstances got all jumbled and broken and i ended up sitting at home listening to the mountain goats’ tallahassee and drinking a root beer, which made me feel better but not good. i think the evening’s run ins have shaken loose some feelings of mine which i had successfully tucked away all summer, allowing me to be fully happy and perfectly fine staying utterly single, until their return which has left me insecure and grumpy. boy, i sure missed that feeling.

it’s not that i’m upset at what did or didn’t happen. it’s that seeing her reminded me of a lot of things i guess i hadn’t thought about in a while all very suddenly, and i don’t think i was emotionally prepared. living in a nice social bubble all summer spending tons of time with my wonderful friends has made me soft i think; the thought of trying to meet someone new right now is just scary. so although i’ve been happy for months just enjoying the people i already love, aburptly getting a reminder that i’m going to have to look elsewhere for that little extra something i’ve been missing for forever now kind of slapped me in the face. i suppose i’d just managed to ignore that until then, and she’s certainly a catalyst for memories. i wish i had been able to separate the two though because seeing her could have been a lot more fun if it could have been only that — seeing an old dear friend for a dinner party. it never is though and the day i can make it just that will be a happy day for me.

meanwhile, an attempt to shove those pesky nagging feelings back into the hole they leapt from with a combination of rock and roll, video games, alcohol, netflix, dostoevsky, and a friday off of work. let’s hope that plan works, eh? and if anyone wants to point a beautiful young lady my way to add to that list i wouldn’t mind so much either.

oh and don’t forget the pay day song. lord knows i haven’t. picking up tyanny of distance at amoeba was a smart move even if it was while inebriated, and once you hear timorous me, if you haven’t already, you will see why. i think this may be my absolute favorite ted leo song, in fact. album review up soon i imagine, but enjoy this terrific song right now. it’s quite fitting actually.