a little post-valentines reflection has turned up an interesting revelation. namely that for what is probably the first time in my young adult life, i am honestly totally indifferent toward the whole ‘girl’ thing. i’ve had happy times and sad times with and without them, but i’ve always seemed to be trying to keep one or find one or in some few spans trying to get rid of one. now it’s none of those things and it doesn’t bother me at all. not at all.

this does a few things for me. on one hand it’s a nice sense of freedom. perhaps the whole thing is just the product of being very busy and not having time to feel lonely — i’ve been trying to balance school work and friends and still finding time for myself as it is. but i feel like all the self-afflicted pressure i’ve felt in the past to find someone is nowhere in sight this time around. it’s nice. really nice.

i can’t say that i’m not a little bit concerned though, cause on the other hand i’m worried that it might just be denial or something and in a matter of weeks i’ll be feeling the hole again. but even more scary is the possibility i’ll never care again. maybe i’m just better this way and romance isn’t for me and i’d be best just staying this way from now on. i doubt that’s true, but wouldn’t it be strange if i just gave up and admitted to myself that the person i envision in those daydreams probably doesn’t even exist anymore?

that’s depressing and probably not at all true so let’s not think about that — there are tons of amazing women in the world, i’m sure of it. i suppose i should just be grateful that now i’m in a position to just hang tight and let them come to me.

[now hearing this: soulwax – hang the dj mix session on mp3. this is some hot stuff.]