brian last year: “no way. i don’t need to drink to have a good time. i’ll just drink this soda and be comfortable with who i am, and not need chemicals to alter my mind as a way to escape myself and have a good time.”

brian last night: “tequila body shots? that sounds fun, count me in.”

sometimes you have these flashes that you really are growing up and changing as a person, and it’s both frightening and satisfying. all the things that a while back you swore you’d never do — or maybe swore you’d always do no matter how old you got — turn out not to matter nearly as much to you as they did then. you come to understand that telling yourself you wouldn’t change was pretty foolish, when you think about it, because there’s so much bound to happen that it’s utterly ridiculous to assume you could stay the same at all.

the core of brian has been pretty consistent for years, which i’m pretty proud of having found early on; and i think is why i manage to be a pretty steadily happy person (forget the getting dumped part, that was out of my control). still, there’s a lot wrapped around that core that’s always switching around, but you know what that’s good, because if it didn’t i bet no one would like me — i’d get boring while everyone else grew up. maybe all the scary responsibility coming up on the horizon will be good fuel to make me a really interesting person, as long as i keep the core brian just plowing through it all. probably, all the things that bog me down now will be what i take pride in having been through later on. that’s what i’m going to hope for now because i am an optimistic kid.

and speaking of cores, i still eat them when i have an apple because i don’t want to get up and throw them away when i’ve finished the rest. the essence of brian, right there. take note.

[now hearing this: the stereo – rewind + record. my verdict, i think, is “not quite as good as no traffic, but i stand by him/them, and there are a couple really good tracks, and i’ll still buy a ticket to see them when they come around in august. nighty night.]