some of the most painful minutes of my recent life have been sitting through a band called “ultrababyfat” which quite unfortunately preceded david cross’s standup performance. the thing is, the two singers/guitarists were girls, which, i’m sad to say, i pretty much never like. there are exceptions of course, but really, in all honesty, girl bands suck a lot. seriously, a lot. and girl bands like “ultrababyfat” sure don’t make me quick to give girl bands another chance, as much as they make me wish i could strike myself temporarily deaf by eating my napkin or some such convenient method. the just couldn’t sing, and their songs all sounded the same, which was boring and annoying, and their lyrics were stupid, and to top it off they weren’t even hot.

jesus they sucked ass.

however…it was well worth enduring the pain, because thursday night i sat in a room and laughed harder and more often than at anything i can remember ever seeing or hearing in my life; while a man i am now pretty sure is one of the best comedians alive ranted for nearly two whole hours to my utter delight. a 15 dollar ticket plus a 15 dollar dinner was a paltry sum, it was so pricelessly hilarious and grand. his two topics of choice: ignorant/southern people and organized religion, with some lovely george bush bashing thown in and post-9-11 humor as well. oh my god, i don’t know if it’s possible that anyone reading this will live in a town he has yet to visit on tour, but if so do not miss this opportunity.

he actually referred to the bible as “some D&D shit.” oh christ i had a great time.

the only snag not involving a shitty girl-band opener was that trying to get in, i showed them my drivers license, which is from a state i will prefer not to metion, and which is oriented vertically as opposed to standard horizontal — to indicate it was an under-21 license (but which also says clearly at the top: over 21 as of 01-24-2002). the doorman did not approve of this license and asked if i had anything else with my birthdate on it, which caused me to think later, is there even any other form of identification that ANYONE would have with their birth date on it? am i supposed to show him my passport which i keep around my neck on a string at all times? what the hell.

but anyway, i said no, and he told me to wait a minute, and came back with a book of “id’s across the nation” or something, with pictures of what each state’s ids look like. and, since there wasn’t a picture of a vertical id for my specific state-of-license, he took my completely valid license and put it in his pocket, and told me to come get it back after the show as he put big black magic-marker X’s on both my hands to show everyone i was a minor and would be playing straightedge for the night. i mean shit, i didn’t even want to drink, but what the hell would i get a fake id that was vertical if it wasn’t a real fucking license? jesus, that was frustrating. and it’s just so hard to argue with a beefy guy with a shaved head in a black polo shirt that says “security” on his sizeable left pectoral. at least i got it back on the way out so i could, you know, drive, and prove to non-retarded establishments that i am who i say i am, but goddamn, that was so annoying and unnecessary. i hate that state.

[now hearing this: i think there’s an ice cream truck outside somewhere.]