ugh. i wonder sometimes if it’s at all possible, at any point in your life, to be happy with what you have. will there ever come a time when i realize the things i have going for me are enough to keep me satisfied? will the grass on the other side always be greener? it seems to me like there won’t be any end to the habit of perpetually telling myself, “things would be better if only…” or “i’d be happier if i gave a chance to…”

of course, i pick something out, and make it so, and it’s only a matter of time until i want something new, or sometimes want back to how things were before. so where does it all stop?

the whole time i ask these things though, i know the answer and just don’t want to have to admit it — it doesn’t stop. the case could be easily made that i don’t really want it to stop, because what’s the excitement in having everything you want? still, knowledge of this doesn’t keep me from hoping that at some point i can just finally “get it right” and be okay, no matter how irrational a hope that is. even worse, maybe, is the suspicion that at some of my high points in the past i did have it right and i just messed it up or let it slip away. horror of horrors, what if i missed my best chance of being as close to “getting it right” as i was going to get?

what a ludicrous thing to think at age 20, i know. but what can you do but sound like a fool when you’re in love with the past and the future but stuck in a present that lacks the spark of either?

my answer to that for now will have to be dismemberment plan and dreamland, until something better comes along. see you in the morning.